Practical Ways to Help
One of the truisms of getting very sick is that sooner rather than later, someone will drop off food for you. In my experience, it’s typically a lasagne. It’s a lovely aspect of human nature that people want to help but often don’t know how best to do that, so they take to expressing their sympathy with mince and pasta.
Asking for help—even knowing what help you might need—is tough in the early stages of illness. It’s also difficult and embarrassing, and that’s for all parties. You as the sick person are dealing with a lot and thinking of ways people can help is harder than it sounds. Likewise, the people offering assistance are genuine in their desire to help with more than a frozen lasagne but need some clues as to what you might need.
One way to manage this awkward stand-off is to use an online tool to help corral the supporters and give them specific requests in a way that doesn’t embarrass all parties. I used a great tool called Support Crew (www.supportcrew.co). Give it a try.
Here are some suggestions on practical things that can really help.
Food
The best options are family-sized meals that can be frozen. Not too fancy; just normal meals are best. Things that can be chucked in the freezer and reheated on those evening when cooking is all too hard (I guess this explains why lasagne is a popular choice).
Baking is OK but realise it might not be for the sick person; it’s to give other visitors and the kids.
A fruit box might be a nice change; again, nothing too exotic or fancy required.
Make sure you’re not clashing with other people. Get a schedule going, perhaps? Tools like the Support Crew one I mentioned can help with this.
Prepacked items to pop into school lunches or for afternoon teas are super helpful
Visiting at home
If you visit the sick person at their home, realise it can be quite hard for them to entertain, so have a purpose or something to do together eg: Netflix binge, watch a movie
Bring a board game or play cards.
Ask if there’s anything you can do while you’re there (but have things in mind, like cleaning or cooking).
Limit your time. Visit for an hour or so, not more (unless you’re doing jobs/cooking).
Respect personal space. Don’t go into the bedroom or bathroom the sick person is using without an invitation.
Talk to/play with kids, not just sick person.
Offer to have the sick person at your place and cook for them at your house: a change of scene might be quite welcome.
Always text before visiting to give them an opportunity to say ‘not today’
Offer to take them out for a drive or for a coffee as a get out of the house and change of scenery activity may be welcomed
Have a joint family dinner. When I was sick, our friends Hayley and Kevin would come over with their kids and have dinner with us often. They brought it, and it was a shared family occasion and very special. They took the dishes away too. Wish they still did that…
Household jobs
Offer to do some household jobs while you are visiting – cleaning is usually a massive help
Change light bulbs (the ones that need changing, not just any random ones)
Put the rubbish out when you’re there and offer to be the person who puts out and brings in the bins each week.
Tidy up or even clean the house—even a quick dust or vacuum of main areas.
Change the sheets or remake the beds.
Do a load of washing or ironing.
Help with gardening or mow the lawns.
Check the car: does it need a clean or a service?
Pets
Walk the dog or take it away for a holiday for a day or two. Let the owners know about it first – don’t just steal it… same applies for the kids.
Does the dog need a wash? Does the budgie need new straw? Does the cat need an attitude adjustment?
Offer to look after the fish/birds/cats/mother-in-law
Shopping
Each time you’re going to the supermarket or store, send a text to the other person and check if they need anything.
Drop over a box of essential household supplies every couple of weeks – milk, bread, toilet paper, cleaning products, toothpaste, shaving gear etc
Offer to pick-up a script from the doctor or a prescription from the pharmacy
Childcare
Offer to pick up and drop off the kids to school and after-school activities.
Take them out and entertain them—but don’t just take them somewhere and let them watch TV/screens; they’re doing a lot of that at home. Get them involved in some activities, or normal household things at your own house.
Offer to go to school events (shows, assemblies, etc) to support the kids, or accompany the sick person.
Partner/caregiver
If you’re not the primary caregiver for the sick person, think about how you can help them too.
Take them out for coffee and have a conversation without talking about illness, at a café or pub. Give them some normality for a while.
Arrange for them to get a haircut or a spa treatment (if they like that sort of thing).
Giving them time out – you stay at home with sick person and let the caregiver have some time off to go for a walk, the gym, a movie or a night out with friends
Visiting at Hospital
Check out visiting times and rules and follow them.
Don’t arrive unannounced (always text first) – ensure you are going to be there at a good time and don’t get worried if the sick person or their carer tells you ‘No’ to a visit
Realise you’re likely to be in a shared ward, so talking might be awkward.
Don’t stay too long: 30 to 45 minutes is great
You don’t need to bring stuff. Ask if there’s anything they want. Hospital room storage is small and fills up fast. Maybe a coffee and small snack or fruit. Or a magazine if you know they’ll love it, and they have the energy to read.
Bring something to do; perhaps a board game or cards.
Offer to bring in a shared meal – but avoid stinky curries (I’m looking at you Jon).
Offer to bring in a meal for the partner/caregiver as often they don’t get feed in the hospital or could use as a heat and eat meal for dinner when they get home.
When you can’t visit
Have a frank conversation with the person or their primary caregiver about the best way to stay in touch. It’s easy to over- or under-communicate. A two-minute conversation saying, “I’ll text you once a week, but you don’t need to reply,” or “I’ll watch for your updates on Facebook, and if you need me, send me a message” can set some boundaries and expectations.
Having a Facebook group where all family and friends can share information is useful, or a site like Support Crew.
Random emails, messages, cards, or text messages can help the sick person feel remembered and valued.
Send them a video clip they can watch in their own time, telling them how you feel.
Organising for a meal to be delivered or a fuel or cleaning voucher is a great way to support from afar.
Useful distractions
Perhaps offer to arrange for the sick person to have a short holiday in a bach or holiday house nearby for a change of scenery.
Take them out for a drive, or a day trip to a park, museum, swimming pools, movies, shopping etc – but check-in with what their energy levels will cope with.
Normal everyday conversations are usually welcomed after a few weeks – hearing about your normal life will be a welcome distraction
Books and games
Games and books can be great gifts, although sick people often can’t concentrate on long complex books, and they usually get lots. For everyone’s sake, don’t buy them anything that won the Booker prize.
Recommend some phone games or similar if the games are particularly good.
Get them an iPad or something if they don’t have one.
Perhaps buy them an iTunes voucher/Netflix or Spotify subscription
Talking books might be a good option; they can be easier for the patient to read. Podcasts are another alternative.
A talking device like Amazon Alexa or Google home can be good for talking books or music.
Realise you don’t have to buy stuff: recommending interesting things is just as useful. Great books, movies, TV shows, music, podcasts… Send the person links to great music on YouTube, or (good!) comedy. Meaningful nuggets, to lighten the mood.
Transport
Offer to take the person to medical or treatment appointments
Offer to take them out of the house for a change of scenery
Offer to pop to the pharmacy, supermarket for whatever they need
A fuel or taxi voucher is a great way of helping someone out with transport if you don’t like nearby
Long-term illness
Finally – realise that there will be lots of people offering in the first week or two – which is lovely but can be overwhelming. If you are not close, then perhaps just do a light touch check in, and be ready to come in with more support once the initial flood of support is fading
Sixteen, 20, or 40 weeks later is more likely when they need the help. Many sicknesses get worse, and some treatment is cumulative. Unfortunately, people can forget over time and go back to their normal lives, leaving the sick person with a decreasing set of supporters. Keep yourself and other supporters engaged and in touch. Be there in the longer term with these things.